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Key to the Future/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: You know what I hate? Brent Leroy: Big Tobacco? The Gun Lobby? Rollerblades? Hank: No, no, and kind of. But I was talking about things you see in a TV show that would never work in real life. Huh? Brent: Ah, gotcha. Understood. No need for an example. Hank: Take Bugs Bunny. Brent: Not the glove thing again? Look, he leaves the glove in the air, the opera singer keeps singin'. Then he sends away for earmuffs... Hank: No, no, no. I'm not talking about that. That's clearly an example of exaggeration to make a comedic point. I'm talkin' about when Daffy keeps saying, "Shoot the rabbit" and Bugs keeps sayin', "Shoot the duck," and Daffy keeps sayin', "Shoot the rabbit" and Bugs keeps sayin', "Shoot the duck," until eventually Bugs says, "Shoot the rabbit" and Daffy says, "Shoot the duck" and Daffy gets shot. Brent: Has this been keepin' you up nights? Hank: Well, it would never work. Brent: Yes, it would. Hank: No, it wouldn't. Brent: No, it wouldn't. Hank: Yes, it would. Brent: No, it wouldn't. Hank: Yes, it would, Brent. Stop fightin' me on this. Brent: All right then. Lacey Burrows: The suspension on my car is trashed. I just ran over a pothole. Wanda Dollard: Do you mean "a" pothole or "the" pothole? Lacey: Ok, you know what, you really gotta knock off the article stuff. Oscar Leroy: Hear, hear. Lacey: Did you just say, "hear, hear"? Brent: Actually, you know, since the town only has one, Wanda's use of the article, "the", while a tad pretentious, is justified. Wanda: And using the word, "tad," that's not pretentious? Oscar: Hear, hear. Brent: Do you and Mom have the Parliamentary channel now or...? Lacey: Wait. So, so Dog River only has one pothole and no one's bothered to fill it in? Oscar: Fill in a landmark? Are you crazy? Karen Pelly: You lost your keys? Davis Quinton: Yes. Karen: Where did you lose them? Davis: If I knew that, they wouldn't be lost. And don't ask me if I checked my pants pockets. Karen: So you did check your pants pockets? Davis: Yes. Could you just open the trunk, please? Karen: The trunk release doesn't work. Davis: The thing hasn't worked since '97. Karen: Fine. But next time don't lose your keys. Davis: "Did you check your pants pockets?" "Next time don't lose your keys." Karen: Uh, Davis, could you come here for a second? Lacey: If you have come here to talk me out of doing something about the pothole, don't bother. Brent: I didn't. Lacey: Good. Because I have learned not to get involved. If I fix that pothole, everyone will get mad at me for some bizarre reason that, that logic can't predict, you know, that, that, that pothole was good birdbath or something. And then, even though everyone else is eccentric, I'll end up looking eccentric. Brent: Right. Well, I just, uh, came here for some food and coffee. Lacey: Good. Brent: I hope that's not comin' across as eccentric. Davis: What? Karen: Shovel, rubber gloves, lye? This doesn't look suspicious to you? Davis: What? Karen, you have to be prepared. Karen: Prepared for what? Oscar: Davis, do you have a shovel? Davis: No. Oscar: Geez. What's the use of ya? Lacey: I don't suppose you have any rubber gloves? Davis: No, not on me. Lacey: Where, then, in the car? Brent: Boy, I could sure use some lye. Davis: I don't have any. And, no, I don't have any in my trunk. I know. I'm useless. Davis: They were losing faith in me. And when that happens, they lose faith in the rule of law, and then the door opens to our old foes, Chaos and Anarchy. Plus I like people to like me. Karen: You're weird. Old foes? Lacey: Come on, Brent, you know what I mean. People around here just flat out hate change. Brent: Not all change, just big, sudden changes that affect how they live. Lacey: Really? Oscar: Is that a new water pitcher? What are you trying to pull? Emma Leroy: When did you start using yellow waitress pads? Lacey: I'm not sure. Emma: Not sure? Do I look stupid to you? Davis: Why did you switch from Equal to SugarTwin? Lacey: I thought you used regular sugar? Davis: Is this about me not having any rubber gloves? Lacey: Yeah, I'm really rockin' the boat. Brent: When did you change these? Do you still have the old ones? Hank: Hey, Wanda, you alone? Wanda: Well, I'm currently not seeing anyone. But alone and lonely are two very different things. Hank: I mean Brent's not here? Wanda: Oh. No. Hank: I wanted to tell you about a dream, but I didn't want him to make fun of me. Wanda: So you think I won't make fun of you? I don't know whether I like this development in our, uh, re-re... Hank: Relationship? Wanda: Oh, that's way too strong, much, much too strong. Hank: I had a dream that something bad was gonna happen to Emma. Wanda: That's it? You've had this vague dream in which something kinda bad maybe happens? Hank: I know. Scary, huh? I, I should call Emma, maybe warn her or somethin'? Brent: Hey, what do you guys think of those new water pitchers at The Ruby? Wanda: Hold on a second. Hank's in the middle of overreacting to something. Brent: Oh, sorry. Go on. Hank: I had a dream about your Mom. Brent: You have five seconds to make my skin stop crawling. Hank: I dreamt somethin' bad was going to happen to her. Brent: Like what? Hank: Well, it's foggy and vague and bad and, you know, not very good. Brent: Okay, thanks for the heads up, Hank. Brent (phone): Corner Gas. Emma (phone): Brent, I need you to do something for me. Brent (phone): Mom, are you okay? Emma (phone): Of course I am. I just dropped a big can of tomato juice. Can you bring some by? Brent (phone): Well, yeah, sure. Why are we whispering? Emma (phone): I don't want your father to hear. You know how he is about tomato juice. Oscar (phone): Emma, what the hell happened to the tomato juice? Emma (phone): Well, I guess there's no point in whispering anymore. Oscar (phone): That was our last can. Brent: That was Mom. She dropped a can of tomato juice. Hank: I knew it! I knew somethin' bad was gonna happen to Emma. Brent: I think psychics have to be a little more specific than that. Hank: No, no, no, I don't, I don't remember specifics. I just wake up with this vague feeling of uneasiness, you know. Brent: You had cotton candy and pepperoni for supper last night. You're lucky you woke up at all. Wanda: Well, now hold on, Brent. In all fairness to Hank, dreams are a realm that science has a hard time explaining. Hank: Yeah. Thanks, Wanda. I mean, you know, maybe there's some higher powers, you know, using me as a tool. Brent: You as a tool? I buy that. Hank: You really think I'm psychic? Wanda: Let's put it this way. I'm not 100% sure that you're not psychic. Hank: Right. Brent: That was cruel. Wanda: You just wanted to do that to him yourself. Brent: That's what I mean. It was cruel to not let me make Hank think he was psychic. Wanda: You'll get over it. Besides, Hank had it coming. Brent: Why? Hank: He said we had a relationship. Davis: Karen, I'm gonna need your keys to get into the trunk. Karen: I can't give them to you. Davis: What? Why not? Karen: They're in the trunk. Davis: In the trunk. You locked your keys inside the trunk. How is that even possible? Karen: You don't even know where your keys are. Davis: Well, I know where they're not. They're not inside the trunk, because there's no reason for the keys to ever even be in the drunk. Du-uh. You've completely jeopardized our credibility. Karen: Isn't that little melodramatic? Davis: Chaos and Anarchy, Karen. Chaos and Anarchy. Oscar: How's your stupid plan to fill in the stupid pothole going? Lacey: I'm not gonna fill in the landmark. Oscar: Typical. Lacey: What, you not saying thank you? Oscar: No, you givin' up. That's what you Baby Boomers do. Lacey: I'm not a Baby Boomer. If anything, I'm, I'm Gen X. Oscar: Just give up, that's all you do. Lacey: Or the young side of Gen X, more Gen Y. Oscar: I don't have to do anything for myself. I'm a Baby Boomer. Lacey: I'm not a Baby Boomer. Oscar: Then why don't you want to fill in the pothole? Lacey: What does that have to do with being a Boomer? Oscar: Just answer the question. Lacey: Well, besides the fact that roadwork isn't my job, I don't want to come across as being eccentric. Oscar: Why would that be eccentric, to fill in a pothole? You're strange. Lacey: It's a town thing. You know, it should be a, a town decision. There should be a meeting. Oscar: Meetings, paperwork, red tape. That's the problem with your generation, no gumption. Just get a couple of people to volunteer. Lacey: Fine. Maybe I will. Oscar: And don't forget the experience that's sittin' right in front of ya. Lacey: Where? Brian, would you help me fill in the pothole? Brian: Where's the Equal? Lacey: I switched it. Oscar: I meant me. I have experience. I'll help ya. Lacey: Oh, great. Oscar: If ya bring back the old water pitchers. Oscar: When you want something done right, ya do it yourself. Lacey: Or you get a couple of local kids to do it for you. Oscar: Be good for them. Lazy Gen X'ers. Lacey: I'm Gen X. Oscar: And take down the pothole sign when you're done. Emma: What's going on here, a town meeting? Oscar: We're fillin' in the pothole. Emma: Whose idea was that? Oscar: It was Lacey's idea. Emma: You closed down The Ruby to come out here and fix a pothole? That's weird, very strange, almost... Lacey: I'm not eccentric. I, I just thought that the pothole was a bad thing. Oscar: Well, you shoulda consulted people, talked to the Mayor or somethin'. Lacey: What? I wanted to consult people. Emma: You, consult people? Pul-ease, Miss Yellow Waitress Pad. Oscar: She's got ya there. Hank: Lacey, I came to warn you. Something bad is gonna happen. Lacey: I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen. Hank: What? Now you're psychic too? Karen: What's goin' on here? Emma: They've filled in the pothole. Oscar: Some teenagers did it. Damn kids. You should be in school. Karen: Do you have a permit? Lacey: No, of course not. Because I'm from the city and in the city we don't need permits for anything. No, in Toronto we just walk around doing roadwork whenever the mood strikes us. Davis: See, Karen? Anarchy. Hank: Oh, man, it's happenin' again. My dreams are comin' true. Davis: And there's your chaos. Brent: Morning. Wanda: Morning. Brent: Hey, you still think Hank has no special powers? Wanda: I was the one who said he did have powers. Although in answer to your question, no, I don't think Hank has any powers. Brent: Oh, yeah? Well, I guess somebody hasn't seen the Howler. Wanda: "Phycic"? Honestly, how much does a spell check program cost? What's the story say? Brent: I don't know, I haven't finished reading it yet. I started to read it, but then it was "contunied" on page 30. The gist of it is that Hank has ESP. Wanda: You'd have to be an idiot to take the Howler seriously. Lacey: Yes. There's nothin' in the Howler that says the town hates me. Oscar: Don't believe everything you don't read. What's a py-chic? Emma: Way to go Lacey. Brent: Who knows? You know, maybe Hank has tapped into some deep part of his subconscious mind that the rest of us can't access. Wanda: Maybe. He's hit his head enough times. I just like winding him up about it. Brent: Hey, Hank. Hank: Hey. Brent: Have any vague, uneasy dreams last night? Hank: Maybe. Wanda: Don't pay any attention to Brent. He's just jealous because you've tapped into some deep part of your subconscious mind that the rest of us can't access. Hank: Thank you, Wanda. Finally somebody who believes me. Brent: Hey, look. You made the paper. Hank: What? Aw, this is just great. I, I feel like a superhero whose secret identity has been revealed, you know? Wanda: I bet if you think about it, you probably saw this coming, didn't you? Hank: Well, I mean it's a little vague, but yeah, I think maybe I did. Wanda: Oh, you're giving me goose bumps. Hank: I don't...whooh. Emma: See? People used to slow down because of the pothole. Now they go whipping down the street like lunatics. You fixed the pothole and created a death trap. Oscar: I wanted to do a speed bump, but Baby Boomer here wouldn't let me. Karen: Is that true, Lacey? Lacey: No. I'm Generation X, or Y or, or whatever comes after that. Karen: No, about the speed bump. Lacey: Oh. I'll tell you what. I will arrange for a speed bump. Emma: Just like that, without consulting anyone? Lacey: Oh. Emma: Well, aren't you gonna do something? Davis: Like what? Emma: Get in your car and chase them. Karen: Oh, let's not overreact. Davis: Slow it down! That oughta do it. Brent: So, how's the psychic sleuthing? Hank: Huh? Brent: Can you say that three times, fast? Hank: Psychic sleuthing, psychic sleuthing, psychic sleuthing. Brent: Oh. I thought it would be harder. Hank: Psychic sleuthing, psychic sleuthing, psychic sleuthing, psychic sleuthing, psychic sleu... Brent: That's plenty. Hank: Okay. Sondra: Hey, hey. Hi, Hank. Hi, Brent. Listen, you gonna being seeing Wanda? I'm supposed to style her hair tomorrow afternoon, but something came up. Can you ask her if I can move her to tomorrow morning instead? Brent: Yeah, sure. No, wait. This is perfect. I mean, uh, you know what? I'm very forgetful. So you should probably just tell Wanda yourself. Just give her a call at work. She gets in at 4:00, but then she goes way in the back to do inventory, like way in the back, away from the phone, so you should call her at five after 4:00, sharp. Sondra: Okay? Brent: Okay, here's what you do. Brent: Oh, hello, Hank. Hank: Hi. Hey, Wanda. I came by to tell you that I had another bad dream. Wanda: Oh, you did? Hank: Yeah. Only this one was about you. Wanda: Me? Oh, I, I don't know if I even want to hear it. You know, your psychic powers might freak me out too much. Hank: Yeah, yeah. I don't know. This one didn't make much sense to me. I, uh, I, I dreamed about your hair and I dreamed about a clock and I, I dreamed that, that your hair was getting twisted up in the clock as the clock moved forward. Brent: What? That doesn't make any sense. Hair, clock forward. That could mean anything, ya nut. Wanda: Well, you never know. You gonna get that? Brent: Hey, has that cheese expired? Wanda (phone): Hello. Oh, hi, Sondra. Yeah, all right. Okay. Okay, Sandra, I'll see you tomorrow morning. Brent: No, cheese was fine. Hey, uh, who was that? Wanda: That was Sandra. I was going to get my hair cut tomorrow afternoon, but now she wants me to change the hair appointment, earlier, like move the appointment for my hair forward. Hank: I don't get it. Brent: Did you sleep okay? Wanda: No. I tossed and turned all night. Brent: Oh? Wanda: Do you know what the odds are of Hank having a dream about my hair and a clock moving forward and then me having to move my hair appointment forward? Brent: Ten to one? Wanda: Unfathomable. Science hates it when things can't be fathomed. The scientific mind demands to fathom things completely. Brent: I understand, or fathom. Wanda: There's got to be a rational explanation for this. Brent: Sure. It's probably just a coincidence. Wanda: Science hates a coincidence. Brent: Maybe science should lighten up. Oscar: This is taking way longer than last time. Lacey: Well, we can only get one kid to volunteer this time. Oscar: Hey, where's your buddy? Teen: It's his great grandma's 100th birthday. Oscar: Shirking work to go party, typical of your generation. What generation are you anyways? Is there a name for it? Lacey: Oscar, you said you were gonna help. Oscar: I'm changin' the sign. There. It's a speed bump now. Coffee break. Davis: Hey, Hank. Can you fix the trunk release on the patrol car? Hank: Yeah, probably. Oh, you want me to? Karen: If you don't mind. Hank: Don't even talk to me about my mind. I'll get my tools. Brent: Hey, didn't you stack those cases of motor oil? Wanda: Do they look stacked? I'm trying to figure this out. Hank is not phycic and I'm gonna prove it. Brent: Fine. I'll stack 'em myself. Hey, maybe I have telekinesis. No. Gotta stack 'em old school. Lacey: Whoo. Emma: Well, the speed bump is slowing people down, but something seems wrong. Lacey: Of course it does. Oscar: You know what it is? It doesn't look natural. Lacey: It's not natural. We made it. Emma: You're right, Oscar. It looks contrived. Lacey: It is contrived. We all contrived it, together, remember? Emma: What we need is something that will slow cars down but somehow look more natural. Lacey: Like what, a pothole? Wanda: You know the Soviets were doing government sanctioned ESP studies as early as 1940 and they still have no tangible evidence? Brent: Oh, those Russians. Lacey: Okay. Done. Emma: Well, I liked the old pothole better. It was more natural looking. But it's better than that tacky speed bump. Oscar: Hear, hear. Emma: Stop saying that. Lacey: Hear, hear. Emma: Now all you have to do is put that sign back the way it was. Oscar: It won't stay. You'll have to build another speed bump. Lacey: You just take that stupid sign down and fix it right. Oscar: Fine, I'll take it down. But this is the last thing I ever do for you. Lacey: Promise? Hank: I don't know how you locked the keys in the trunk. You should never put keys in the trunk. Davis: See, the psychic agrees with me. Karen: Yeah, yeah. Hank: There. Davis: Hallelujah. Here are your keys. Hank: Hey, cool, lye. Can I have some? Davis: Sure. Hank: Hey, there's another set of keys under this lye. These yours, Davis? Davis: Uh, no, don't think so. Hank: You sure? They got a big "D" on 'em. Karen: D as in Du-uh. Brent: You still readin' those books? Man, science sure hates the unexplained. Wanda: True. But science loves a hairdresser who can't keep a secret. Brent: Sandra blabbed to you? Wanda: No. Sandra blabbed to Donna, who blabbed to Linda, who blabbed to me. It's not a very big town, ya know? Brent: Well, then, why were you reading those books all day? Wanda: You were stacking the oil, filling the cooler, sweeping the floor. Brent: Unfathomable. Category:Transcripts